It’s been a while since the last Hangover, but we had a frenetic weekend and we know many of you did, too. So let’s get through this painful Monday together, shall we? What better way than to recap the never-ending playoff action that has us in its unbreakable death grip?

NBA

San Antonio Spurs 103, Los Angeles Lakers 84

Did you ever have one of those nightmarish old gym teachers back when you were a kid? You know, the kind who wore uncomfortably tight short-shorts and a Timex, and had you doing calisthenics and tossing medicine balls straight out of a fitness museum?

Yeah, well, a bunch of them got together and now call themselves the San Antonio Spurs. Those crazy old coots got sick of all those disrespectful young punks called the Los Angeles Lakers, and gave a whoopin’ last night that’ll teach ‘em but good, cutting the Lakers’ series lead to 2-1.

Manu Ginobili led the way for San Antonio with 30 points, Tim Duncan added 22 with 21 rebounds, and Bruce Bowen chased after Kobe Bryant with a broom, yelling at him to get off his lawn, that little brat.

The worst thing about those old gym teachers was that they seemed to know you were just waiting them out, hoping they’d retire so you could get a few grades of pleasant physical activity in before shipping off to high school. But they never did, and in fact seemed to get stronger with every glass of prune juice they drank.

Likewise, the Spurs reminded the world last night that they are, in fact, the defending NBA Champions. And no young whippersnappers are going to take what’s theirs without a fight. The Lakers better be prepared to inhale the noxious fumes of Ben-Gay for the rest of this series.

Boston Celtics 94, Detroit Pistons 80

We have it on good authority that Celtics forward Kevin Garnett is really competitive. Sure, you might think anyone who plays professional sports for a living probably thrives on competition, but Kevin Garnett is so competitive that he wants to put his competitiveness in competition against the competitiveness of any other competitors.

When Garnett loses, his disappointment is plainly evident, as he scowls and swears and yells uncontrollably, but when Garnett wins, the joy on his face lights up the entire arena… as he scowls and swears and yells uncontrollably. Oh, and he beats his chest a bunch, too.

Well, Garnett really missed being able to beat his chest and pop his jersey after Detroit handed Boston its first home loss in these playoffs, so he went out and competed like the competitor he is. Growling for 22 points and scowling for 13 rebounds, Garnett led Boston to its first road win of these playoffs, taking Game 3 to build a 2-1 series lead in the Eastern Conference Final.

The onus is now on Detroit to salvage a split on home court, so as not to give the Celtics a chance to close out the series back in Boston. But that will be tough, because Kevin Garnett is really competitive.

NHL

Detroit Red Wings 4, Pittsburgh Penguins 0

Not much to say about Game 1 of the Stanley Cup Finals, also known as the series to decide which city is slightly less crappy. The savvy veterans of Detroit showed the young upstarts in Pittsburgh just how much experience counts in the playoffs.

Of course, Detroit also experienced a 54-win, 115-point season, and has several players who have experienced things like Stanley Cup championships, Olympic Gold Medals, and All-Star games galore. Perhaps Detroit simply has a lot of talent, too.

Whatever it was, Detroit out-talented and out-experienced Pittsburgh pretty handily, breaking open a 1-0 game with three goals in the third period. The Penguins didn’t have much to offer on Saturday, and we don’t have much to offer about this game. Let’s just hope the Penguins find some experience rattling around in the backseat of their cars or something, because we’re really hoping for a competitive Stanley Cup Final.